Why Are Progmos Who Drink Coffee So Miserable & Crazy?

In about 2014, group of “cultural Mormons” in the luxurious Upper East Side of Manhattan got together and formed a club called “Feminist Home Evening.” They billed it as “a safe place to be connected to your Mormonism,” according to NPR.

“The topics of conversation can be serious at times. Like the recent change to church policy that prevents the children of gay parents from being baptized… Other topics aren’t quite as heavy and might even seem trivial.

“Coffee is a complicated relationship,” says Heather McGee Teadoro, who is 25 years old and grew up in Utah. She admits she loves coffee and always has.

As a teenager, McGee Teadoro drifted away from the LDS church, and her coffee habits weren’t an issue, but she’s recently decided to return. Now, that craving is more problematic….

“I’m self-conscious among Mormons holding a cup of iced coffee,” says Kate Cowley, 34, a film producer who lives in Manhattan with her husband and three young children. “I would feel, you know, I would feel uncomfortable.”

Now, I know what you all are thinking. But is this really a bad thing? Heather McGree Teadoro would probably find my conversations with church friends just as silly. People need to get with their friends to talk things out, and that’s alright. At least they are trying to put some kind of focus on the church. I think as long as they are making an effort they should not be condemned. And it’s not their fault NPR is only interested in their FHE group.

I have to admit, I just about spit out my orange soft-drink when I read the line about coffee. Of course! But reading it again, I’m thinking maybe it isn’t so trivial. Every day driving to work I see endless lines of cars looping through Starbucks, and I have friends who truly struggled with the deeply ingrained cultural drug. I know some who have even left the church because it. No harmful addiction is to be laughed at, and coffee is truly without equal. Well, until marijuana becomes mainstream in another five years, anyway.

Lately, it seems like the feminist dominance of the Progmo crowd has diminished. But don’t be fooled. Feminism (specifically, third-wave feminism) will always be their basis, and the reason for it very much involves coffee.

Coffee Effects Men & Women Differently

Men produce testosterone easily because they have testes that can produce large amounts at one time. Testosterone is great for men because it increases red blood cells, bone density, muscle mass, and open blood vessels. Many men drink coffee right before a workout because the caffeine boosts testosterone for more energy. Despite side effects, caffeine helps build muscle in a workout. But what about men who drink coffee normally throughout the day, not during a workout? It starts to replace the normal production of testosterone and men end up with a decrease.

With women, it’s a lot different. Women cannot create testosterone easily because it requires producing enzymes to add carbon atoms, and they don’t have the same hardware as men. It takes a lot of energy for the ovaries to add these carbon atoms. It’s a lot easier for both men and women to create estrogen, however, because this involves removing carbon atoms, and removal of the atoms takes less energy. Men already have these enzymes, making the production of estrogen for men even easier.

Female athletes are able to produce lots of testosterone, but casual coffee drinkers don’t. They don’t get the testosterone from coffee that men do. The female body compensates for testosterone with high levels of adrenalin, some serotonin, and norepinephrine, and lower estrogen. This affects the brain in a way differently than testosterone. It makes them panicky and on edge, as if they were constantly expecting an attack in a war. When taken to the extreme, the brain has a harder time telling the difference between imaginary and real scenarios, and they become paranoid and hyper-vigilant.

Sound familiar?

Men become more like women from drinking coffee, while women become more irrational. I always just assumed that coffee and everything else affects everyone in the same way, but scientists now agree it is different according to sex and race. This difference can be seen in a countenance of heavy coffee drinkers.

Why Feminists Dominate The Progmo Press

This may explain why Progmos in the mainstream newspapers and blogs tend to be female. The heightened alertness and stress drives them to be bold and loud, screaming their messages and always looking for a quarrel. The male Progmos who drink coffee, on the other hand, tend to be docile and mild mannered due to unhealthy levels of estrogen. They tend to be either sickly skinny or well overweight because of the toll swings in testosterone levels take on the heart. This may explain why these men immediately block people they disagree with on social media and run away from confrontation. They cry to their buddies for comfort while the women have no problem with vicious confrontation. What little naturally-produced testosterone these men have feeds the most innate masculine urge men have: to white knight for the women of their tribe when the women are attacked.

Of course, this is a generalization and exaggeration. There are plenty of Progmos out there who don’t drink coffee, and there are plenty of coffee drinkers that don’t display these traits. It is complicated how coffee affects people differently. But there is a reason why the Word of Wisdom places a blanket ban on all coffee for all people. I believe it is extremely rare that it benefits a person more than it injures them.

It’s pretty obvious the way some Progmo feminists worship coffee that there is a problem. We see the same obsessive behavior in marijuana advocates, the meltdowns when anyone criticizes their beloved subsistence. It is important to remember that while caffeine helps men in physical workouts to build testosterone, it messes up the the hormones. It inhibits dopamine which helps people stay rational. It boosts the compensating adrenalin. This is why women addicted to coffee have much higher levels of adrenalin . This adrenalin replaces estrogen that would normally go to the receptors. When the amount of competing hormones become too much, estrogen is rejected and destroyed. This tug-of-war between hormones results in combative attitudes, a person always look for a fight, irrationality, and everything else we associate with some Progmos. It makes them over-sensitive and anxious. The moment someone tries to correct their thinking or even just disagrees with them, both the men and women have emotional meltdowns.

This is also why they always see themselves as victims, because these symptoms are the same effects that abuse victims experience. The brain cannot tell the difference between real and imagined scenarios, so they automatically associate their crushed emotions with the person who disagreed with them. Lower serotonin and dopamine levels cause depression and anxiety. The depression that results lowers the motivation to change the problem and spirals to an even deeper depression, becoming an ever crushing hole of addiction.

For many, the first step is to break the habit. Then they can develop gospel doctrine and healthy habits that enrich their lives and build up a joyful church community. Let’s hope they do.

Mormon Churches Need Women-Only Parking Spaces

Recently, my friend from upper east-side Manhattan came visiting for a BYU conference, and she remarked that Utah is unique in offering special parking privileges for pregnant women. “Even New York hasn’t made such an advance in equality,” she said.

“Well, the toxic old white men who rule this state hate it, I assure you,” I replied.

“Of course. But it is still very problematic, because people here treat it like a courtesy. Like they are giving women something they don’t deserve out of the niceness of their hearts.”

This is something I hadn’t considered before. The craven men of this state are only giving women this privilege of parking to solidify their position of power. So at the end of the day, pregnancy parking really just bolsters the patriarchy. It is another toxic abuse of old white men. In California, a place which is far advanced in social justice, they proposed special parking permits for pregnant women so they could park in disabled parking spaces. This bill failed in legislature because it insinuated that pregnancy is a disability, which I find unfortunate. Having a parasite growing inside your body is certainly a disability, is it not? The least men could do for women after having impregnated them, risking their lives, and dumping all responsibility on them, is recognize their right to park in disabled parking?! Good grief.

But the bill failed in legislature. But I see this as an opportunity. It means we can spread this right to all women. After all, all women are victimized and deserving of having their rights recognized, not just pregnant ones.

Where should we start? How about the church parking lot, where the Bishop and his counselors get prime parking spots, because they show up two hours early for their secret male-only leadership meetings, while women in their minivans full of kids have to park in the back of the lot and schlepp their thirteen kids all the way to the foyer and then all the way to the chapel pews? Why not start with that? Let’s start with these mothers who are pushed to the back of the bus. And then let’s talk about the women who are mistreated with horribly invasive and inappropriate questioning in the male-dominated Bishop interviews, beginning at a very young age. Women who are not allowed to be leaders. Women who are forced to sew buttons and play with Barbies while the boys get to go on hikes and exciting scouting adventures. Women who are stuck with uncomfortable rickety old rocking chairs in the mother’s lounge while men get lush comfy chairs. Women who are stuck with misogynist scripture and teaching material that perpetuate the toxic culture? How about them? Are they deserving of equal rights too? Aren’t they entitled to special parking spaces at the front of the building?

This is just one of many problematic areas that the church must address if they want to make their church buildings safe for women. Courageous female leaders are working to push through laws that will force churches to practice equality. But in the meantime, all women need to pressure old white men to update to the current century and stop pushing women to the back of the parking lot. We owe it to our daughters. We owe it to ourselves.

Once this cause is accomplished, then we can push on to further equal-rights issues, like making all men show up at least two hours early to clean and prepare the building, and making all men prepare rice crispy snacks.

I’m Better Than You Because I Drink Coffee

My favorite thing to do when I step into work in the morning is prepare a delicious pot of syrupy coffee. The smell from the coffee maker (company-bought) wafts through air and fills the office, as a reminder to the TBM Mormons of what they are missing out on. I make sure to slurp loudly as I go from cubicle to cubicle chatting with other ladies. How often do TBM Mormons think they are better because of their commitment of abstinence? How often do they tell their children that coffee-drinkers like us are sinners who are destined for sickness and a face full of wrinkles before the age of 35? Well, the laugh is on them as my bright cheery face yacks away while they are sitting there trying to work. That’s what they get for judging me!

But the fact is, I am superior to them because I drink coffee. The health benefits of coffee have been well documented by scientists. It is scientifically proven to protect against Parkinson’s disease, lower the risk of Alzheimer’s disease, help you relax, and treat depression. I find it is like a medication for depression all on its own. And sugar-filled lattes from chain-coffee houses are even better, because sugar makes it more stimulating and delicious, and lower the risk of Diabetes. Drinking coffee also gives me more time to socialize. Coffee is like the perfect elixir of goodness. So in the evening when the media corporation I work for hands me my paycheck, the first thing I do is walk into Starbucks and order a massive frappuccino with extra whip cream and syrupy red goo. Then I go home and attack the bottle of red wine. And then another trip to Starbucks before I go to bed.

A study shows a third of church members drink coffee pretty regularly, including a quarter of temple-attendees within the last 6 months. Well, I applaud these sinners for deciding for themselves what is best for their bodies and not leaving it up to some old white male. For many, coffee has become a symbol of the forbidden fruit that carries such a negative stigma in our judgemental culture yet provides so much knowledge and wisdom. It literally makes you smarter. I find that people who drink two or three cups of syrup-filled coffee a day like me know more stuff. We can chat away about the latest celebrity news and recent episodes of TV reality shows, and the TBM sits there silently in her office chair like she has no idea what we are talking about! Then she turns back to her computer, probably because she is ashamed of not being smart like us, and sometimes I like to rub it in her face by asking pointed questions about last night’s episode of the Bachelor, and she tells me, “I really need to get back to work.” I can’t believe how stupid coffee-skeptics are! They lack so much nuance!

Next time a TBM yells at you for drinking coffee, remind them that their hot cocoa has caffeine in it too. So what’s the difference? The only difference I see is coffee literally makes you a better person and cocoa just makes you pathetic. In fact, drinking coffee can help you be a more spiritual person, because drinking coffee means you are no longer judging people who do, and being non-judgemental makes you a better person. It’s a toss-up which makes you a more righteous person–coffee or marijuana–probably marijuana because it doesn’t stain your teeth. But I find that inhaling coffee at a frantic pace is also a reminder that I can be whoever I want to be. Once I cross the fence into the world of “spiritual crocodiles,” I can discover hidden treasure like coffee and chart my own course, walk my own woke path. It empowers me as a woman.

This is why I always use coffee to identity who I am as a person. This is why I spend over $200 per month on coffee, not including money for gas. It is like my daily communion. If tomorrow the world’s infrastructure collapsed and there were no delivery trucks carrying bags of coffee beans from impoverished slave-labor countries, I would probably collapse on the floor and slip into a coma. But right now we are living in a modern technological world where I don’t need to worry about things like self-sufficiency. For now, coffee is literally who I am, and I am a happier and smarter 26-year old because of it.

Until next time, I am Ann Eliza.

Cleon Skousen’s Warning Of A Communist Take-Over Coming To Pass

Willard Cleon Skousen worked in 1935 in the Agricultural Adjustment Administration and FBI, before he left to teach at Brigham Young University in 1951. He developed a political view that integrated his faith as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, though he was considered too conservative for mainstream Republicans. Admittedly, Skousen did mingle religion and politics. Everybody told me growing up that he was kinda crazy, like Alex Jones or UFO seekers. But today, it seems conservatives all separate church and state in their world views and it is the “Progmo” Leftists who instead often base their spiritual beliefs on their political beliefs. The result is a wave of radically Leftist sentiments that fill social media and lead away from the gospel.

Is it fair to say Cleon Skousen was likewise wrong to mingle faith and politics, and that his ideas likewise led to apostasy? Well perhaps, but it seems like Cleon Skousen based his politics on his faith and not the other way around as Progmos do. He started with a basis of gospel principles and contemporary prophetic teachings and policies, and then he formed his politics and social views from there.

It is interesting to see how right he was, from any point of observation. Regardless of how one feels about his opinions on things, it is hard to argue that Skousen’s observations were incorrect. It is also hard to argue that his predictions for America were incorrect. Rather than doomsday prophesies of nuclear warfare and Russian soldiers parachuting into American high schools, Skousen delivered well-reasoned and evidence-based predictions which we see happening today. We see it happening right now, for example as the “Honduran immigrant caravan” marches to the United States–organized by a radical Marxist and an exact mirror of the Syrian refugee march to Europe.

1. U.S. acceptance of coexistence as the only alternative to atomic war. Sometimes Anti-American nations (who all seem to be Communist) like to rattle the sabers and the threat of nuclear war rises. Our default solution is to calm tensions and show that we are not a threat to their existence.

2. U.S. willingness to capitulate in preference to engaging in atomic war. When it comes to small players like North Korea, this isn’t as true, but when it comes to China we definitely capitulated and gave them everything they wanted–until the current administration, that is.

3. Develop the illusion that total disarmament from the United States would be a demonstration of moral strength. Leftists always complain about the size of the U.S. military, but instead of disarmament they have successfully started to weaken the military, with lowered standards for soldiers, green energy projects that don’t help anything, politically correct standards, etc. They announce these weaknesses as moral progress.

4. Permit free trade between all nations regardless of Communist affiliation and regardless of whether or not items could be used for war. China’s incredible rise started when they were allowed into the World Trade Organization. Right now, the United States is trying to raise tariffs on countries like China, and not as any kind of punishment for being Communist but because China has massive tariffs on us and we have none on them. And the Left complains about just that!

5. Extension of long-term loans to Russia and Soviet satellites. The Soviet Union may be gone but the United States hands out billions of dollars to hostile nations and Marxists. Why? Study the history of the Roman empire and barbarian tribes to figure it out.

6. Provide American aid to all nations regardless of Communist domination. The Communist and radical Leftist nature of a nation’s government is not even considered when it comes to the free handouts we give them.

7. Grant recognition of Red China. Admission of Red China to the U.N. Completed.

8. Set up East and West Germany as separate states in spite of Khrushchev’s promise in 1955 to settle the German question by free elections under supervision of the U.N. Eastern Germany may be gone, but we see this same principle of national division rather than allowing a democratic vote to decide affairs play out all the time. Gay marriage was decided by the courts not the people, for example.

9. Prolong the conferences to ban atomic tests because the United States has agreed to suspend tests as long as negotiations are in progress. Atomic testing is no longer relevant but we see the same idea play out when it comes to modern technology, such as weapons in space (which is prohibited by international treaty), and we see recently saw the same idea play out with Democrats who tried to delay the Kavanaugh hearing until after the midterm elections.

10. Allow all Soviet satellites individual representation in the U.N. The United Nations is pretty much useless today, with how this technique has destroyed any fair representation. But we also see the same idea play out in the Leftist assault on the electoral college.

11. Promote the U.N. as the only hope for mankind. If its charter is rewritten, demand that it be set up as a one-world government with its own independent armed forces. Many Leftists pledge allegiance to the United Nations rather than America, and globalism is being pushed by big billionaires and corporations. This idea is being pushed very hard and may succeed to dismantle all national independence in the near future.

12. Resist any attempt to outlaw the Communist Party. Not only does “free speech” allow Marxists to organize, it allows them to indoctrinate school students, infiltrate churches and media corporations, and commit terrorism through groups like Antifa.

13. Do away with all loyalty oaths. Many California public schools have done away with the pledge of allegiance. All oaths are pretty much meaningless anyways in this age of undercover records and leaking documents to the press.

14. Continue giving Russia access to the U.S. Patent Office. China is famous for demanding trade secrets from anyone who wants access to their cheap slave labor, and then China just makes their own cheap version of the product. Not only China is doing this.

15. Capture one or both of the political parties in the United States. Until very recently, Democrats and Republicans were pretty much the same, with just a facade of disagreement. This is certainly still true with all mainstream media. Fox News = CNN.

16. Use technical decisions of the courts to weaken basic American institutions by claiming their activities violate civil rights. Another important tactic that we see the Left use all the time. We should remember that judicial activism, which at this point has almost completely usurped all democracy in this country, is designed to weaken basic vital institutions, like the family and churches.

17. Get control of the schools. Use them as transmission belts for socialism and current Communist propaganda. Soften the curriculum. Get control of teachers’ associations. Put the party line in textbooks. Completed. Schools and universities are now brainwash factories and are responsible for 90% of the indoctrination that poisons our youth.

18. Gain control of all student newspapers. Not just student newspapers, all student resources and all media.

19. Use student riots to foment public protests against programs or organizations which are under Communist attack. This tactic has worked so well that Leftists foment riots beyond just students. Every other day there is another Leftist riot against something in their way.

20. Infiltrate the press. Get control of book-review assignments, editorial writing, policymaking positions. Completed. The mainstream media is 100% compromised and it is impossible for a media group to survive unless it is Marxist (or backed by a big organization, such as Deseret News’ relationship to the church).

21. Gain control of key positions in radio, TV, and motion pictures. Completed. All key positions in media corporations are filled by radical Leftists with the same agenda.

22. Continue discrediting American culture by degrading all forms of artistic expression. An American Communist cell was told to “eliminate all good sculpture from parks and buildings, substitute shapeless, awkward and meaningless forms.” Completed. Art in America is dead. Art mediums are only used to propagate Leftist messages.

23. Control art critics and directors of art museums. “Our plan is to promote ugliness, repulsive, meaningless art.” Just look at any recent music video: pure ugliness. It is interesting to consider how this is maintained through control of art critics and directors.

24. Eliminate all laws governing obscenity by calling them “censorship” and a violation of free speech and free press. Instead of censoring obscenity and unhealthy content, content is censored for content that deviates from the accepted Leftist message. Every day the purge of “wrong think” grows stronger.

25. Break down cultural standards of morality by promoting pornography and obscenity in books, magazines, motion pictures, radio, and TV. Porn, poor morals, and obscenity is now everywhere. It is becoming impossible to find a media message that isn’t pornographic and immoral.

26. Present homosexuality, degeneracy and promiscuity as “normal, natural, healthy.” Over 1/3 of the days in the year are now dedicated to homosexuality, through some kind of “pride month” or day of celebration. Think about that. A third of every waking moment. Provo is basically forced to hold gay pride parades. It has becoming pretty much impossible to express a thought that deviates from this message.

27. Infiltrate the churches and replace revealed religion with “social” religion. Discredit the Bible and emphasize the need for intellectual maturity which does not need a “religious crutch.” This describes pretty much everything Progmos teach their students at BYU.

28. Eliminate prayer or any phase of religious expression in the schools on the ground that it violates the principle of “separation of church and state.” Completed. Soon people will be taxed for religious expression in the privacy of their homes.

29. Discredit the American Constitution by calling it inadequate, old-fashioned, out of step with modern needs, a hindrance to cooperation between nations on a worldwide basis. Completed. The Left has become adept at twisting the constitution to mean the opposite of what it says, but there is always still a constant reminder that the Constitution is racist, sexist, intolerant, etc.

30. Discredit the American Founding Fathers. Present them as selfish aristocrats who had no concern for the “common man.” Completed. Indigenous People’s Day anyone?

31. Belittle all forms of American culture and discourage the teaching of American history on the ground that it was only a minor part of the “big picture.” Give more emphasis to Russian history since the Communists took over. Russian history is no longer relevant, but it is interesting to crack open a modern 6th grade history book and see what is emphasized. White man bad for everything.

32. Support any socialist movement to give centralized control over any part of the culture–education, social agencies, welfare programs, mental health clinics, etc. The federal government now controls everything, totally different from how the founding fathers envisioned government. Education hardly exists, mostly brainwashing. Social agencies only provide social justice training. Welfare programs everywhere. Mental health clinics don’t exist.

33. Eliminate all laws or procedures which interfere with the operation of the Communist apparatus. This is an important one. We think Leftists attack things because they just don’t like them. No, there is always an agenda. They seek to dismantle anything different from their Marxist utopia and transform it into a vehicle for Marxism, much like Agent Smith in the Matrix sticking his hand into Neo and turning him into an Agent. Every day, millions of blog posts, news stories, public school lessons, Sunday School lessons, pop songs, memes, etc. attack contradicting laws and procedures.

34. Eliminate the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Completed. As recent revelations about Deep State corruption and tech company behavior shows, we need the House Un-American Activities Committee now more than ever.

35. Discredit and eventually dismantle the FBI. This was back when the FBI enforced actual justice. It was long ago discredit and dismantled, and rebuilt into what it is today.

36. Infiltrate and gain control of more unions. Unions don’t appear to play as big a role in politics as in the Bush years, but don’t be fooled. States like New York and California are completely dominated by big unions that do nothing for the members who are forced to pay dues.

37. Infiltrate and gain control of big business. Completed. It is impossible to be a big business unless you pay for commercials about social justice and donate to environmental groups.

38. Transfer some of the powers of arrest from the police to social agencies. Treat all behavioral problems as psychiatric disorders which no one but psychiatrists can understand [or treat]. Leftists have recently launched a huge campaign to discredit the police, which is still ongoing. This agenda perhaps has been lagging behind but they are quickly catching up, and in the near future psychiatrists will totally dominate prisons and people will be arrested by thought-police for though crimes, as is already happening in Great Britain.

39. Dominate the psychiatric profession and use mental health laws as a means of gaining coercive control over those who oppose Communist goals. Completed.

40. Discredit the family as an institution. Encourage promiscuity and easy divorce. Divorce has successfully been turned into a racket, where men become slaves, women become ruined, and children suffer the most. The family is pretty much totally discredited, but hey at least we have equality?

41. Emphasize the need to raise children away from the negative influence of parents. Attribute prejudices, mental blocks and retarding of children to suppressive influence of parents. Parents are less influential than ever. Maybe a couple hours per day of a child is actually spent with the child, and there is probably near zero actual interaction during that time. The father is likely never there. A child’s life is dominated by school indoctrination, homework indoctrination, video games, social media, sleep, and corn syrup meals. It is interesting to consider how parenting is blamed for “prejudices, mental blacks, and retarding.” So true.

42. Create the impression that violence and insurrection are legitimate aspects of the American tradition; that students and special-interest groups should rise up and use [“]united force[“] to solve economic, political or social problems. Antifa. I find it interesting when I hear a Leftist rage against gun rights yet admit that violence is just part of our culture. “Shouldn’t we instead focus on making violence not part of our culture?” I ask. Of course not! Violence and insurrection against orange man good!

43. Overthrow all colonial governments before native populations are ready for self-government. South Africa right now. A major part of the Obama government was to eradicate colonialism, which is something few people realize. The Book of Mormon teaches us how colonialism could be a force for good, though it has often led to great evil because it was under the control of people like conquistadors.

44. Internationalize the Panama Canal. Completed. Thank you Jimmy Carter. This same idea continues today with the internet and other American-controlled resources that will soon be handed over to globalists.

45. Repeal the Connally reservation so the United States cannot prevent the World Court. The Connally Amendment prevented the International Court Of Justice from gaining dominance over national sovereignty in the United States. International tribunals could have no sovereignty over domestic affairs. Well, is that true today? I don’t see legal tribunals meddling in domestic affairs, but there is certainly international meddling, isn’t there?

My Communications Degree Entitles Me To Church Leadership

Last Sunday, I realized something while the sacrament was being passed and blessed. The young male priest, just a kid, approached the microphone and read off lines of prayer, which are helpfully glued under the microphone for him to reference. So, he started reading in his squeaky, choppy voice, a few words at a time. But by the end, a glance from the Bishop told him he had missed a word somewhere and needed to start over from the beginning. So the entire congregation waited patiently with arms folded as he nervously reread the blessing. Then, the deacons, who are even younger boys, passed the bread around. Frantic glances and confused shuffles showed they hadn’t really planned out who would pass to which rows. Oh, come on already!

Me and a few other woke women exchanged eye rolls during all of this. It is just typical. This is how it is when you leave it up to the inferior ones rather than fully-grown and fully-capable women like us, we told each other silently. Traditional practice in the LDS branch of Mormonism is for boys to become deacons when they turn 12 and priests when they turn 16. Only boys. We are blessed with a set of sister missionaries in our ward (the Mormon term for congregation) rather than bumbling teenage males, but usually this problem exists with the missionaries as well. I don’t invite male missionaries for dinner, but people tell me they show up late or give boring spiritual thoughts. Also, I’ve kept careful track, and only 42% of speakers in sacrament meeting are female, and this lack of equality is evident in scenes like the one I have described.

Probably the thing that aggravates me the most is that I worked hard for years to get my advanced communications degree from a university. I studied at least three hours a day. If it were me up there delivering the sustaining votes and listing the speakers for the meeting, I know my training would enable me to reach out to disenfranchised members of the ward who feel like they aren’t part of sacrament meeting. How many of these old white men who like to go on and on about things like repentance and faith can relate directly to minority LGTBQIAA+ or racially diverse communities? Probably zero. My training as a communications expert empowers me to be inclusive of their unique cultural differences so that they have a reason to be part of the congregation, while focus on repentance and faith makes them feel judged and unwelcome.

How many of these old white men deliver the latest popular culture narrative as found in the Washington Post and Buzzfeed about what we should be outraged about in politics? Probably zero. My communications degree allows me to graft into my sermons subtle cultural and ideological directives about equality in a way that relates to current events and popular narratives being passed around elitist circles on Facebook. Do women in the church even see how limited they are by the existing old-fashioned structure of church? For example, it is insane that the church opposes a common sense effort to legalize marijuana, imposing itself into politics and violating the separation of church and state, yet there is this taboo about me ranting for 40 minutes about Trump in my sacrament meeting talk! How is this kind of thing still happening in 2018?

So, the same eye rolls are exchanged by we woke feminists as we watch these old men up there being just as cringe-worthy as the boys. Yikes! A lot of the time you can’t even hear them with their old man voices! I fantasize about striding up there with a big smile on my face like Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec, pushing the old male aside, and delivering a powerful pep-speech that ends with lengthy standing ovations from the adoring crowd. Endless cheers! You are my hero, Anne! You changed my life, Anne! I would give a sermon about asking your 6 year old before you make assumptions about which gendered clothing her or he (or zer or ze) wants to wear. Perhaps a sermon about how men are 100% responsible for all unwanted pregnancies, how men are literally risking women’s lives by doing this, and why males should get vasectomies as teenagers to prevent this kind of victimization. Perhaps a robust lesson about class consciousness and economic intersectionalism of feminism and racial theory. This is what our youth wants to hear! This is what youth demand to hear! But these exciting and important issues are too much to ask for in a structure dominated by toxic patriarchy.

So I sit quiet for now and secretly plant seeds of equality and Socialistic ideology in receptive members around me, confident that the day of empowerment will come.

New Anti-Mormon Tactic: Going Ward To Ward Bearing ‘Testimony’

A new Anti-Mormon tactic has emerged: a critic of the church attends multiple wards on Sunday to preach Anti-Mormon messages. Anti-Mormons video-record the sermon and post it on the internet to embarrass members of the church with whatever reaction they give.

Around August 27, a member of the Ex-Mormon forum announced the campaign and began coordinating on the ex-Mormon forum, where media watchmen who evidently monitor the forum could be ready to immediately write hateful news articles that would embarrass the church.

On September 3, hate news site Patheos.com wrote an article attacking “Mormons” for their reaction to the Anti-Mormon sermon, comparing “Mormons” to the Catholic church child-abuse scandal. Matthew Facciani writes that the members’ reaction is “a microcosm of the problems we see in the church today.” It is “awful” that “they ask him to leave” (with two exclamation points) when “the man comes back to the church and offers some very good advice on improving the church.”

To be clear, the man did not just “come back to church.” Per a now-deleted reddit account, he was an “apostate speaker” going from ward to ward, attending multiple wards to propagate his message. The now-deleted reddit account promised to film and post “each one” on the Anti-Mormon forum. Patheos credits reddit user beardshairandsandals with publishing the video that Patheos used in their article, and this just happens to be the same reddit user that earlier asked “What should I speak about?” and promised “I will film and post each one.” But Patheos.com does not report this pre-planning. Instead they deceptively make it sound like he was just a dismayed member going back to church.

This tactic of attending multiple wards to preach Anti-Mormonism reminds me of Sherem in the Book of Mormon. Sherem “began to preach among the people” and “labored diligently that he might lead away the hearts of the people, insomuch that he did lead away many hearts.” I think if we likewise allow Anti-Mormons to infiltrate our meetings to spread their doctrines that it will lead to great apostasy.

But the problem is the news media is standing by to attack us if we stop them, claiming we are stifling their free speech. They have the media completely on their side. So either way we get attacked. This is a propaganda tactic that was invented and perfected by none other than Nazi propaganda chief Heinrich Himmler. Early in his career, Himmler is said to have released rats in movie theaters that showed films counter to his Nazi ideals. This caused massive disruptions and the city was pressured to shut down the theaters. This is may be what the Anti-Mormons want for the church. It is good publicity for them to infiltrate the church and get their message published in their hate-site news buddies, and maybe they could even spread a little apostasy in the congregations, but the real value may be if they can get a strong reaction from members of the church. They film it from multiple angles throughout the congregation in a masterfully produced video piece and it would spread like wildfire on social media. The public would demonize “Mormons” and demand the church be shut down.

So what is the answer? Do we turn the other cheek, let them go on our property and propagandize from our pulpit? Do we not say anything when the fake news media propagates their tactics? Do we escort them off our property? Do we vocally condemn it and risk a strong backlash that the fake news media is doubtlessly preparing? What is the solution?

Admit It, David Crotch’s Joke About Mormons Was Hilarious!

It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of comedian David Crotch. The man is hilarious, and he has a big heart. I fell absolutely in love with David when he stood up to Larry The Cable Guy’s anti-gay and racist jokes. Bigotry is not acceptable, absolutely never, and if you are going to make fun of someone, at least make it clever, dude. As David wisely put it: Larry, “your stuff isn’t necessarily anti-gay but rather stupid and easy.”

David Crotch illustrated this point in a magnificent way when he came up with a joke that nobody has ever thought of in the history of the world: make fun of “Mormon underwear.” Like, why has nobody thought of this?! When I saw David’s photoshopped image of a man wearing the sacred temple garments, I literally rolled on the floor screaming with laughter for hours–perhaps days. It is literally the most novel, intelligent, innovative humor I have ever seen. In that Monty Python sketch of British soldiers killing Nazis by shouting the “world’s funniest joke,” there is no doubt in my mind they were describing this photoshopped image created by David Crotch. No wonder he earns the big bucks!

Then he reportedly followed it up with hilarious jokes about beating to a bloody pulp people who have different political opinions than him. Hilarious, right!?

As a fellow champion against bigotry, it is great to see intelligent, brave guys like David Crotch fight for the LGTBQIAA+ and religious minorities by mocking sacred Mormon (oops, not supposed to say that!) apparel. This goes a long ways towards healing the inequalities and social divisions of our country. Of course, the haters were out in full force denouncing David Crotch’s brave stand. Fox News sensationalized it. Breitbart went off on it–though, at least Breitbart didn’t say a single word about the Anti-Mormon bigotry, you gotta give them credit for that! TBMs were whining about it on Facebook. Blah blah blah.

Another thing I like about David Crotch is his style. A long messy beard, hipster glasses, blank expression, and his glossy bald head. Everything a feminist like me dreams about. It all just screams “ally in the fight against patriarchy.” Now, here is a guy who will never, ever be intimidating in any way. If I saw him walking down the street, I would toss a quarter in his cup and be on my way. This is exactly the aesthetic that I wish every male would have.

The fact that David Cross is at the top of comedy in America just shows the peaks to which the entertainment industry have risen. Always pushing new ground. Fighting for tolerance and love. Intelligent and brave. Feminists like me rightfully idolize the billionaire owners of big corporations like HBO and 20th Century Fox, because they make the world a better place and they know what is best for me. It’s time that Mormons (oops, I did it again!) realize this as well. If for some weird reason you don’t get the atheist jokes (probably because you aren’t smart enough), just pretend it’s funny while batting your eyes and twirling your hair in your fingers like the rest of us feminists do.

Continue reading “Admit It, David Crotch’s Joke About Mormons Was Hilarious!”

Feminists Fight Mormon Taboo About Farting At Church

Mormon feminists are launching a campaign urging LDS leaders to vocally support mothers and women who fart at church. This media-firestorm-of-the-week started when a mother of three children was attacked by a bishop for farting. Salt Lake Feminists have taken a break from their other Marxist causes (such as Love-Loud) to focus on this corner of women’s rights.

“It is 2018, and there are still these barriers thrown on women and their families, and we have to start taking the health and free choice of women in the church seriously,” Betsy Friemar said in a Salt Lake women’s conference. “LDS leaders must provide vocal support or women will continue to be excluded, bullied, and attacked for behavior that is natural and also quite positive, not only for her own health but for the health of her family, even if her parenting choices don’t align with local priesthood authority inclinations.”

Farting is actually a natural and beautiful part of a woman’s digestive process, Ms. Friemar pointed out. It has been scientifically proven to be a vital step in receiving vitamins and it helps boost our ability to fight disease. So, when local male priesthood forces women to “hold it in”, they are literally weakening women’s health and destroying their immune system. Additionally, Friemar found in her research that women improve the health of her children by farting. It literally strengthens the cells of those who smell the farts.

The mother of three children told of her harrowing experience when she met with her bishop to get him to sign her temple recommend–a process similar to applying for a Costco membership card. The meeting went completely off the rails when the Bishop started interrogating her about loudly farting during Sacrament meeting. Then, when her husband backed her up he started getting interrogated as well.

The bishop quoted from the Mormon “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet about clean and intelligent behavior towards those around us. He acted like she as a woman was responsible for the thoughts and reactions of men around her. She had to leave the room several times to calm down, and when she was gone the bishop even told her husband he should not accept this kind of behavior from his wife.

Farting is not mentioned in the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet, and the Church of Jesus Christ has no official policy regarding farting in Sacrament meeting. There are just controlling male leaders who don’t like it. Male church spokesman Eric Harrins declined to comment on the thousands of women asking for their rights to be recognized.

Female leadership in the church also hasn’t said anything about it.

It is time for women, Mormon and non-Mormon alike, to rise up and demand massive change in the church. What business is it of men what women do with their bodies? There needs to be no restrictions on farting, or at least provide a special room just for women where they can go to privately do whatever they want and still listen to the sermons over a speaker… oh wait the church already has that. But still, when a mother of three can’t even express natural behavior that is positive for her health and the health of her children, it says far more about the male leadership of that church than it does about her.

So, fart loud! Fart proud! Celebrate who you are!

It’s Not a Valid Interpretation. You’re Just Wrong

What if I told you that the Communist Manifesto is actually an argument for capitalism and private property? Or that the Odyssey is really about horticulture? Or the Harry Potter series is not about magic but about a mental institution and its patients? You’d probably say I was an idiot or a tenured professor. There’s so much evidence pointing against these interpretations of what the stories are really about. The authors couldn’t possibly have had those ideas in mind when writing, so there’s no way those interpretations can be correct.

But what if we just kill the authors’ intentions? We figuratively dismiss the authors from their own works and apply whatever interpretation we want to the story with no one to tell us we’re wrong. Many literary critics, amateur or otherwise, do just that with the death of the author. No longer is the author’s identity regarded nor are the circumstances concerning the creation of the story a concern. The text is completely separated from “limits” and “interpretive tyranny.” Now the true meaning of the text doesn’t matter because there is none. The meaning changes for every person and every time the work is read. So it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it. All that matters is what you think.

Perhaps you can see the problem with this, but let’s use a real life example to illustrate it. In Acts 16: 31, Paul and Silas say “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.” Does this mean if we say we believe in Christ we are saved forever? Does it say we need to believe Christ and obey commandments to go to Heaven? Is it correct that all who don’t say they believe in Christ will be sent to Hell forever? Are works not important, only belief? According to death of the author, any of these are true if you want them to be. However, it is impossible for these to all be true at the same time, and with salvation on the line you can’t afford to guess wrong. So you choose one you think is best and group together with people who agree and maybe form a church especially because another group with a different interpretation formed a church and they are condemning people to Hell with their false teachings so you need to show people how your interpretation is right and…then we end up with today’s hundreds of Christian denominations. Instead of freedom, we have confusion. Instead of no limits, we have no guidance.

Maybe doctrine is special though. Let’s choose a simple story like a man helping a poor soul who has been robbed and left for dead on the side of the road even though they are from groups hostile to each other. Does this story mean we should have open borders for all countries? Or maybe that racism is bad? How about that the Jews were and are racist? The story of the Good Samaritan is world famous and has thousands of interpretations. Which one did Jesus mean? It must certainly matter when people are using it as a basis for government policy.

With all these “valid” interpretations comes endless confusion and contention. So what’s right? A powerful truth is found in the Bible Dictionary for parables which helps clear the fog. It states, “It is important to distinguish between the interpretation of a parable and the application of a parable. The only true interpretation is the meaning the parable conveyed, or was meant to convey, when first spoken. The application of a parable may vary in every age and circumstance.” Here we have the crux of the matter. People have confused application for interpretation.

We can apply not just parables but all stories and principles in endless ways. Maybe the bravery of Abinadi inspires you to never back down from sharing your testimony. Perhaps the damage done to innocent lives by the Count of Monte Cristo stays your hand when you consider getting revenge. These applications come from a correct interpretation of the story though. Abinadi was brave. Revenge is wrong. Flawed interpretations will lead to flawed applications.

So how do we know the correct interpretation? This leads to the hardest question and the seduction of death of the author. Sometimes the author’s meaning is clear, other times it isn’t, and still other times it has layers of meaning. Sussing out what is correct is no mean feat. Death of the author offers an easy way out. Just say it doesn’t matter and it can mean whatever you want. However, an incorrect interpretation by definition will either ignore some things, force meanings, or put ideas together in an unwieldy manner. It can never offer full satisfaction.

The true interpretation can be found though. Again, the Bible Dictionary about parables offers advice. Among other things, it says it’s critical to consider the context and setting. For a parable, this would be who the Lord is talking to and the circumstances of the time as well as the idea it sprang from. A story is a bit different but follows from this. The author’s history and social context must be considered, evidence must be found within the text, and any author commentary can help. Occasionally, the author will just flat out say what the correct interpretation is, but it’s not always that easy. An important thing to keep in mind as well is that with many more recent stories, the author never had an interpretation in mind, wanting instead to have the audience dream up whatever they want. This can easily be boiled down to the correct interpretation being that there is none and it’s meaningless.

Thus, for every story or text, there is a correct interpretation and incorrect ones. It is our responsibility as the audience to find what that interpretation is and then apply it how we want. If we find we are holding on to an incorrect view, we should change when presented with evidence. It is the height of folly to dismiss evidence in the text or especially what an author directly states, and cling to erroneous interpretations. If someone states his interpretation is correct, then it is reasonable to ask him to prove it. Discussion should be centered around finding evidence and putting it together to get at what the author truly meant. Remember that the correct interpretation doesn’t limit us. It guides us to countless applications. Whether it is trying to understand the nature of God or simply finding what motivates a character, we can be safe in the knowledge that a correct interpretation exists for us to find.

Will the LDS Church Finally Remove Toxic Patriarchy From Our Hymns? #HymnbookEdits

Every week I sit silently as the hymns are played, gazing around at other women who like me roll their eyes and yawn. This is because Mormon women are subjected every week to no less than three harmful songs, not including the patriarchal indoctrination songs we have to listen to during the other two hours of church (which shouldn’t even exist, by the way). Well, those hundreds of songs by old white men filled with outdated messages may get replaced very soon, as the Mormon church is reportedly making significant changes to the hymnbook.

Hymns are a tool of the patriarchy, and this is why I never sing. Sometimes when I can’t stand it anymore, I take out my earphones and blast modern pop music (I do this a lot actually). Feminists have noted that the hymnbook needs to reflect the global nature of the church, and I couldn’t agree more. No more “My Country Tis Of Thee.” We need to bring in minority voices, and set a quota of class groups for authors and LGTBQIAA+-friendly themes. We also must make sure the majority of songs have female authors (like we already have for the primary songbook), preferably women with hyphenated last names. Did you know most hymns currently speak of God as a male, only a few as a neutral gender, and zero speak of God as female? This must change now.

We need these alterations to current hymns and Primary song titles:

  • Press Forward Saints To Equality
  • Praise to the Women
  • Onward Christian Social Justice Warriors
  • Count Your Many Pronouns
  • A Poor Wayfaring Woman Disenfranchised
  • I Am A Child of Karl Marx
  • Did You Think To Check Your Privilege?
  • Do As I’m Saying Not As I’m Doing
  • I Hope They Call Me By My Preferred Pronoun
  • and of course… As Feminists In Zion

Additionally, we need to add the following to make hymnbook and primary song book inclusive:

  • A Cup of Coffee – by Katy Perry
  • Imagine – by John Lennon
  • This Land Is My Land – Woody Guthrie
  • Believe – Imagine Dragons
  • One Love – Bob Marley
  • All You Need Is Love – The Beatles
  • Respect – Aretha Franklin
  • Born This Way – Lady Gaga
  • She’s So High Above Me – Tal Bachman

What is your suggestion for a hymn alteration? What can the church do to make it so our young women aren’t indoctrinated to think they are second-class members and inferior human beings? How can we drag these ornery men in the church into the 21st century as equality-minded progressives?

Post your ideas under #HymnbookEdits! Make a statement they can’t ignore!