Prediction: The Mormon Church Will Serve Coffee At Sunday Morning Session #ConferenceRumors

As everyone knows, coffee and caffeinated soda is going to be legalized in the LDS church’s upcoming 2019 General Conference. How marvelous it will be! This is something progressive-minded members around the world have been aggressively advocating for, as coffee’s health benefits have been proven time and time again by science.

Let’s unpack what this means. Consider the surprising results of my Progress Mormons Survey:

  • Ten out of ten Millennial temple recommend holders already drink at least 7 beers per day, as well as regular consumption of nutritional marijuana–as well as frequent purchases of hemp products, such as twine, purses, and moisturizing cream.
  • GenX Latter-day Saints were only slightly less progressive as far as Word of Wisdom restrictions are concerned. 93% of respondents agreed with my Twitter post that coffee is a divinely created substance central to the plan for the eternal destiny of us all. Four out seven Twitter replies were supportive.
  • Fewer than a third of Millenials or GenXers said they cared, and 26% agreed that I was making a scene and that I needed to leave. They agreed I should come up with a cause that actually matters, like solving world hunger. They were promptly blocked from my Twitter.

The full results of my soundly scientific Progress Mormons Survey can also be found in my recently published book, which is being heavily promoted by Progmo feminists everywhere. The survey proves that coffee deserves to be legalized by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and by Idaho.

Until now, the old white men haven’t allowed coffee because the older generation is out of touch, and the people have not exerted enough internal pressure to bring about meaningful change. Change only happens if we march in protests to Church Headquarters and insult church leaders in New York Times articles. Likewise, external groups have not pushed the church to progress in this area, which is a big let-down for oppressed women like me. It is just so cringe when the old white men preach against coffee from the podium. Like, who do they think they are?

The truth is, before the old white men banned coffee in 1921, everyone in the Church enjoyed coffee on a daily basis, and it was considered essential morning health. Every pioneer who crossed the plains drank coffee enthusiastically. They recognized its miracle health benefits for curing lung disease and increasing life expectancy. But the patriarchy, as they always do, sought to suppress these amazing health benefits and subjugate high school teenagers who literally need coffee to get up in the morning.

Well, the good news is this era of victimization is over. I predict, that not only will coffee flow liberally in those moments after the glorious declaration of the church’s new policy, but coffee will become a staple for Sunday church services. Coffee will be served in every women’s lounge (they will change the name from “mother’s lounge” to be more inclusive). Coffee will be served on fast Sundays to allay the hunger and thirst with which women are disproportionately inflicted. Coffee will finally take its rightful place.

Of course, as soon as this happens, instead of expressing gratitude, I plan on ridiculing the church for changing policies. The best thing would be if women just led everything and the patriarchy of white men went away. Then we could talk about open marriage, church-supported free Xanax, and compulsory free welfare services on a class basis. But I am very optimistic due to positive change that has happened so far, and am literally 100% certain that this is what’s going to happen.

Most importantly, I won’t feel judged for waiting 3 hours every morning in line at Peet’s.

Until next time, I’m Ann Eliza. Read my new book about hip young Mormons like me who are finally instituting meaningful Socialism!

We Need Sunday School Lessons About Captain Marvel


Move over Moroni, there’s a new Captain in town!

Yesterday, I celebrated Woman’s Day and Woman’s Month together with my yappy friends by scrolling through popular white male celebrities I hate on Twitter and saying horrible things about them. But we made sure to also watch what is literally the best movie ever made. It’s Captain Marvel, and it’s a story about a gorgeous woman who magically gains strength and saves the world, because everyone else is too weak and pitiful to save themselves. I find this message incredibly liberating, because for too long we women have accepted the myth that strength is something that is achieved through merit. It is time for all children to understand that strength and popularity is something that just magically happens to a person, like how Harry Potter was chosen by no merit of his own and used a magical wand to overcome his obstacles. Except Harry Potter was a boy, and he therefore perpetuates the stereotype that men are deserving of strength and popularity.

It’s time for a woman.

This is why Captain Marvel is so important. There has literally never been a movie or book that has had a strong female character. Every story has portrayed women as damsels in distress, needing a man to be her husband. It’s 2019, and it’s time for movies to break new ground, and portray women who effortlessly achieve greatness because they are inherently better than everyone else. This is a realistic and empowering story.

This is why we need brave Sunday School teachers to foist Captain Marvel as the subject of their Sunday School lessons at church. Because if they don’t hear it at church, where will they? Back when Elsa broke new ground as a strong female character in the excellent Disney movie Frozen, the oppressive patriarchy did everything they could to suppress it. Droves of old white men were spreading false rumors in classroom and church buildings that it had a homosexual agenda. Well, I guess it kinda did, but that is a positive thing, something that we should celebrate. But even Frozen didn’t take the agenda far enough, because Elsa had weaknesses and was still cowering under patriarchal fear.

Captain Marvel is a perfect Sunday School subject, because she teaches us that we should find a leader to take care of us and benevolently dominate us. We should give all of our glory to this strong figure and relinquish all agency of our own, because we will never be as strong as her, because we are not magical like her. Well, at least men aren’t.

This is a message that men desperately need to learn, the supremacy of women. Men need to fall down before the star emblazoned on Captain Marvel’s chest. And fortunately, it is a message that they are receiving. On the IMDB.com website that tracks movies, I noticed that many more men than woman are rating Captain Marvel. There were 25,646 votes from men versus 3,590 votes from women. Does this men are overwhelmingly the ones filling movie theaters? We can only hope. What’s even better, the vast majority of men voting were in the 18-44 age range, which means it is full grown men watching these comic book movies, not children. Pathetic but hopeful.

So how can brave Sunday School teachers incorporate Captain Marvel into their messages? Well, if you have some patriarchal Sunday School president breathing over your neck, do it stealthily. But otherwise be open about it. Wheel in the TV and just start playing the movie. Afterward, hold a discussion about what doctrinal changes the church should make to fall in line with this brave theology. Ask each girl in the classroom to stand up, tell them to repeat after you, “I am magically powerful, I am beautiful, and I am better because I am a woman.” And then have each male in the classroom turn to the girls and say the same thing about them. And then move on to LGTIBIAA+ issues and issues that involve other minorities. If you can, be sure to teach them about cis white males and their responsibility for climate change as well. This will make the children believe in equality, and after all isn’t that the goal? Everyone needs to be the same as everyone else.

This will really help boost the self-esteem of the girls, who are all constantly being harassed and bullied by the boys, and prepare them for life. We need to all give our money to the Disney Corporation and thank them for making the best movie ever made.

12 Displays Of Toxic Masculinity At Temple Square

I went to temple square earlier this week and (mostly) had a good time.

A lot of changes have been made since I last strolled the temple grounds. There are a lot more sister missionaries to be seen, which was nice. I walked into the tabernacle and found my heart awash in gratitude for the progressive small steps the church has taken for gender equality. But then as I was leaving, an elderly man held the door open for me, and the reality of the church’s problematic misogynist culture set in. I rolled my eyes and sneered as I walked by. Walking around, I suddenly could see elements of this oppressive male-dominated culture all around. Where were the gender neutral bathrooms? All restroom facilities, free for use, followed harmful stereotypes. Where was the Starbucks? A truly safe space for women would have sugary coffee easily available for purchase.

1. Angel Moroni Is Male


(by Tojosan/Creative Commons)

Majestic above our heads, the golden statue silently blows his trumpet. But why does Moroni have to be a man? Aren’t women just as capable of blowing a trumpet? The day we instead see a golden statue of a woman raised up for people to worship we will achieve true equality.

Continue reading “12 Displays Of Toxic Masculinity At Temple Square”

5 Feminist Decorating Tips For Your Cubicle

Women have made amazing gender gains in the workplace. We celebrate this progress as literally the best thing to ever happen to women. Participation in the labor force ensures all women have the right to spend all day staring blankly at computer screens, surrounded by acoustic cubicle dividers, sipping coffee to keep ourselves awake. It also gives us more money to consume cheap disposable items from Amazon and trying to relax on the weekends at day spas. At last, women have lifted ourselves from the dark days when the only way we were allowed to spend our time was smiling with our cute baby children, planting flower gardens, and selecting furniture for our three-bedroom homes. Now, we women are experiencing fulfilling lives like we were mean to, as menial labor machines for big corporate bosses.

Recently, as I trudged through the door of my apartment at the end of the day, I glanced over to a dusty corner and thought, “Wait, this is where I live?” I didn’t even recognize the place. The only time I really spend at home is to feed my cats and microwave my Velvetta cheese meal. I spend vastly more time in the restroom of my work building than in my bathroom at home. This is s a marker of progress. It is progressive that I have a vassal lord to provide all my needs, instead of selfishly arranging a living space that only I get to use. This is progress for the greater good.

When decorating the cubical box where you spend 14 hours per day, it is important to keep in mind this spirit of social progress and equality.

1. Check Your Privilege

A couple months ago, I complained to Human Resources about a male co-worker who had a university resume hanging on his wall. The resume is a symbol of the oppressive racial majorities which keep minorities from enjoying college education and other opportunities. Males need to keep this in mind when they feel the desire to hang certificates of achievement, photos of family, or artwork by children. It is literally harassment. But we women are not immune from the poison of meritocracy either! We need to remember to be sensitive to the LGTBQIAA+ community and others who may be offended by any decorations that are unique and independent.

2. Avoid Gendered Stereotypes

Despite heavy social conditioning from cradle to grave, some people still manage to perpetuate old-fashioned stereotypes. Any space that indicates differences between males and females is totally intolerable. This is why it is important to make your decorations as blandly non-specific to gender as possible. Instead of pink or blue, how about a nice dark gray? Instead of pretty flowers for girls or a poster of racing cars for boys, how about the same meaningless company slogan posted on the walls of every cubicle in the building? Make sure to report everything that could possibly be interpreted as a gender stereotype to Human Resources.

3. Proclaim Socialism With Religious Zeal

Today, it would be unthinkable to place a symbol of religion in the workplace. Like, who does that? A cross on the wall or a painting of Jesus would immediately result in a trip to the Human Resources office, we all know that. Even the most religiously backwards kook is careful to avoid publically admitting that he has faith. This is wonderful progress. It is everyone’s duty to report a religious person. But it is not enough to ban religious icons. We also need to replace them with symbols of atheism and Marxist philosophies. This is why I at all times have a giant poster of Che Guevara hanging next to my computer. It is a great reminder to me of the progress we are making as a society, but more importantly it is propaganda to remind everyone else that they must accept Marxism.

4. Signal Your Moral Virtue

Make sure to include at least seven items that indicate your status as an LGTBQIA+ ally. The more pieces of moral virtue, the better. You should wear rainbow pins on your vest, stickers on your purse, posters on your cubicle walls, inspirational covers for your phone, etc. How many pieces of moral “flair” are enough? As many as you feel comfortable with. But at least seven. And if your neighbor across the acoustic wall has more pieces of moral virtue than you, log on to your favorite Marxist Etsy shop and order ten more. Luckily, there are hundreds of oppressed classes that you can virtue signal for, plus the hundreds of thousands of intersectional combinations.

5. Display Proof Of Organizations You Financially Support

This is by far the most important virtue signal, and it is shockingly one that most people neglect. Progressives were out in force for the 2018 elections, reminding people to vote. Without this reminder, disenfranchized people literally are unable to vote, so it’s important. I went around the office and reminded every person of color, LGTBQIAA+ member, and woman to vote–I reminded each person at least ten times, per day. But this isn’t enough. We also need to provide a monthly financial donation (tax deductible of course) to progressive organizations, and print out the receipts and pin them on our walls. Not only does this reinforce a cultural expectation to pay money to pro-equality groups, it weeds out those who only pretend to be progressive and don’t put their money where their mouth is. Don’t want to fund progress? Don’t expect to work here for long!

These steps are important for building a safe, equal, and corporatly-benefical workplace.

Mormon Churches Need Women-Only Parking Spaces

Recently, my friend from upper east-side Manhattan came visiting for a BYU conference, and she remarked that Utah is unique in offering special parking privileges for pregnant women. “Even New York hasn’t made such an advance in equality,” she said.

“Well, the toxic old white men who rule this state hate it, I assure you,” I replied.

“Of course. But it is still very problematic, because people here treat it like a courtesy. Like they are giving women something they don’t deserve out of the niceness of their hearts.”

This is something I hadn’t considered before. The craven men of this state are only giving women this privilege of parking to solidify their position of power. So at the end of the day, pregnancy parking really just bolsters the patriarchy. It is another toxic abuse of old white men. In California, a place which is far advanced in social justice, they proposed special parking permits for pregnant women so they could park in disabled parking spaces. This bill failed in legislature because it insinuated that pregnancy is a disability, which I find unfortunate. Having a parasite growing inside your body is certainly a disability, is it not? The least men could do for women after having impregnated them, risking their lives, and dumping all responsibility on them, is recognize their right to park in disabled parking?! Good grief.

But the bill failed in legislature. But I see this as an opportunity. It means we can spread this right to all women. After all, all women are victimized and deserving of having their rights recognized, not just pregnant ones.

Where should we start? How about the church parking lot, where the Bishop and his counselors get prime parking spots, because they show up two hours early for their secret male-only leadership meetings, while women in their minivans full of kids have to park in the back of the lot and schlepp their thirteen kids all the way to the foyer and then all the way to the chapel pews? Why not start with that? Let’s start with these mothers who are pushed to the back of the bus. And then let’s talk about the women who are mistreated with horribly invasive and inappropriate questioning in the male-dominated Bishop interviews, beginning at a very young age. Women who are not allowed to be leaders. Women who are forced to sew buttons and play with Barbies while the boys get to go on hikes and exciting scouting adventures. Women who are stuck with uncomfortable rickety old rocking chairs in the mother’s lounge while men get lush comfy chairs. Women who are stuck with misogynist scripture and teaching material that perpetuate the toxic culture? How about them? Are they deserving of equal rights too? Aren’t they entitled to special parking spaces at the front of the building?

This is just one of many problematic areas that the church must address if they want to make their church buildings safe for women. Courageous female leaders are working to push through laws that will force churches to practice equality. But in the meantime, all women need to pressure old white men to update to the current century and stop pushing women to the back of the parking lot. We owe it to our daughters. We owe it to ourselves.

Once this cause is accomplished, then we can push on to further equal-rights issues, like making all men show up at least two hours early to clean and prepare the building, and making all men prepare rice crispy snacks.

I’m Better Than You Because I Drink Coffee

My favorite thing to do when I step into work in the morning is prepare a delicious pot of syrupy coffee. The smell from the coffee maker (company-bought) wafts through air and fills the office, as a reminder to the TBM Mormons of what they are missing out on. I make sure to slurp loudly as I go from cubicle to cubicle chatting with other ladies. How often do TBM Mormons think they are better because of their commitment of abstinence? How often do they tell their children that coffee-drinkers like us are sinners who are destined for sickness and a face full of wrinkles before the age of 35? Well, the laugh is on them as my bright cheery face yacks away while they are sitting there trying to work. That’s what they get for judging me!

But the fact is, I am superior to them because I drink coffee. The health benefits of coffee have been well documented by scientists. It is scientifically proven to protect against Parkinson’s disease, lower the risk of Alzheimer’s disease, help you relax, and treat depression. I find it is like a medication for depression all on its own. And sugar-filled lattes from chain-coffee houses are even better, because sugar makes it more stimulating and delicious, and lower the risk of Diabetes. Drinking coffee also gives me more time to socialize. Coffee is like the perfect elixir of goodness. So in the evening when the media corporation I work for hands me my paycheck, the first thing I do is walk into Starbucks and order a massive frappuccino with extra whip cream and syrupy red goo. Then I go home and attack the bottle of red wine. And then another trip to Starbucks before I go to bed.

A study shows a third of church members drink coffee pretty regularly, including a quarter of temple-attendees within the last 6 months. Well, I applaud these sinners for deciding for themselves what is best for their bodies and not leaving it up to some old white male. For many, coffee has become a symbol of the forbidden fruit that carries such a negative stigma in our judgemental culture yet provides so much knowledge and wisdom. It literally makes you smarter. I find that people who drink two or three cups of syrup-filled coffee a day like me know more stuff. We can chat away about the latest celebrity news and recent episodes of TV reality shows, and the TBM sits there silently in her office chair like she has no idea what we are talking about! Then she turns back to her computer, probably because she is ashamed of not being smart like us, and sometimes I like to rub it in her face by asking pointed questions about last night’s episode of the Bachelor, and she tells me, “I really need to get back to work.” I can’t believe how stupid coffee-skeptics are! They lack so much nuance!

Next time a TBM yells at you for drinking coffee, remind them that their hot cocoa has caffeine in it too. So what’s the difference? The only difference I see is coffee literally makes you a better person and cocoa just makes you pathetic. In fact, drinking coffee can help you be a more spiritual person, because drinking coffee means you are no longer judging people who do, and being non-judgemental makes you a better person. It’s a toss-up which makes you a more righteous person–coffee or marijuana–probably marijuana because it doesn’t stain your teeth. But I find that inhaling coffee at a frantic pace is also a reminder that I can be whoever I want to be. Once I cross the fence into the world of “spiritual crocodiles,” I can discover hidden treasure like coffee and chart my own course, walk my own woke path. It empowers me as a woman.

This is why I always use coffee to identity who I am as a person. This is why I spend over $200 per month on coffee, not including money for gas. It is like my daily communion. If tomorrow the world’s infrastructure collapsed and there were no delivery trucks carrying bags of coffee beans from impoverished slave-labor countries, I would probably collapse on the floor and slip into a coma. But right now we are living in a modern technological world where I don’t need to worry about things like self-sufficiency. For now, coffee is literally who I am, and I am a happier and smarter 26-year old because of it.

Until next time, I am Ann Eliza.

My Communications Degree Entitles Me To Church Leadership

Last Sunday, I realized something while the sacrament was being passed and blessed. The young male priest, just a kid, approached the microphone and read off lines of prayer, which are helpfully glued under the microphone for him to reference. So, he started reading in his squeaky, choppy voice, a few words at a time. But by the end, a glance from the Bishop told him he had missed a word somewhere and needed to start over from the beginning. So the entire congregation waited patiently with arms folded as he nervously reread the blessing. Then, the deacons, who are even younger boys, passed the bread around. Frantic glances and confused shuffles showed they hadn’t really planned out who would pass to which rows. Oh, come on already!

Me and a few other woke women exchanged eye rolls during all of this. It is just typical. This is how it is when you leave it up to the inferior ones rather than fully-grown and fully-capable women like us, we told each other silently. Traditional practice in the LDS branch of Mormonism is for boys to become deacons when they turn 12 and priests when they turn 16. Only boys. We are blessed with a set of sister missionaries in our ward (the Mormon term for congregation) rather than bumbling teenage males, but usually this problem exists with the missionaries as well. I don’t invite male missionaries for dinner, but people tell me they show up late or give boring spiritual thoughts. Also, I’ve kept careful track, and only 42% of speakers in sacrament meeting are female, and this lack of equality is evident in scenes like the one I have described.

Probably the thing that aggravates me the most is that I worked hard for years to get my advanced communications degree from a university. I studied at least three hours a day. If it were me up there delivering the sustaining votes and listing the speakers for the meeting, I know my training would enable me to reach out to disenfranchised members of the ward who feel like they aren’t part of sacrament meeting. How many of these old white men who like to go on and on about things like repentance and faith can relate directly to minority LGTBQIAA+ or racially diverse communities? Probably zero. My training as a communications expert empowers me to be inclusive of their unique cultural differences so that they have a reason to be part of the congregation, while focus on repentance and faith makes them feel judged and unwelcome.

How many of these old white men deliver the latest popular culture narrative as found in the Washington Post and Buzzfeed about what we should be outraged about in politics? Probably zero. My communications degree allows me to graft into my sermons subtle cultural and ideological directives about equality in a way that relates to current events and popular narratives being passed around elitist circles on Facebook. Do women in the church even see how limited they are by the existing old-fashioned structure of church? For example, it is insane that the church opposes a common sense effort to legalize marijuana, imposing itself into politics and violating the separation of church and state, yet there is this taboo about me ranting for 40 minutes about Trump in my sacrament meeting talk! How is this kind of thing still happening in 2018?

So, the same eye rolls are exchanged by we woke feminists as we watch these old men up there being just as cringe-worthy as the boys. Yikes! A lot of the time you can’t even hear them with their old man voices! I fantasize about striding up there with a big smile on my face like Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec, pushing the old male aside, and delivering a powerful pep-speech that ends with lengthy standing ovations from the adoring crowd. Endless cheers! You are my hero, Anne! You changed my life, Anne! I would give a sermon about asking your 6 year old before you make assumptions about which gendered clothing her or he (or zer or ze) wants to wear. Perhaps a sermon about how men are 100% responsible for all unwanted pregnancies, how men are literally risking women’s lives by doing this, and why males should get vasectomies as teenagers to prevent this kind of victimization. Perhaps a robust lesson about class consciousness and economic intersectionalism of feminism and racial theory. This is what our youth wants to hear! This is what youth demand to hear! But these exciting and important issues are too much to ask for in a structure dominated by toxic patriarchy.

So I sit quiet for now and secretly plant seeds of equality and Socialistic ideology in receptive members around me, confident that the day of empowerment will come.

Admit It, David Crotch’s Joke About Mormons Was Hilarious!

It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of comedian David Crotch. The man is hilarious, and he has a big heart. I fell absolutely in love with David when he stood up to Larry The Cable Guy’s anti-gay and racist jokes. Bigotry is not acceptable, absolutely never, and if you are going to make fun of someone, at least make it clever, dude. As David wisely put it: Larry, “your stuff isn’t necessarily anti-gay but rather stupid and easy.”

David Crotch illustrated this point in a magnificent way when he came up with a joke that nobody has ever thought of in the history of the world: make fun of “Mormon underwear.” Like, why has nobody thought of this?! When I saw David’s photoshopped image of a man wearing the sacred temple garments, I literally rolled on the floor screaming with laughter for hours–perhaps days. It is literally the most novel, intelligent, innovative humor I have ever seen. In that Monty Python sketch of British soldiers killing Nazis by shouting the “world’s funniest joke,” there is no doubt in my mind they were describing this photoshopped image created by David Crotch. No wonder he earns the big bucks!

Then he reportedly followed it up with hilarious jokes about beating to a bloody pulp people who have different political opinions than him. Hilarious, right!?

As a fellow champion against bigotry, it is great to see intelligent, brave guys like David Crotch fight for the LGTBQIAA+ and religious minorities by mocking sacred Mormon (oops, not supposed to say that!) apparel. This goes a long ways towards healing the inequalities and social divisions of our country. Of course, the haters were out in full force denouncing David Crotch’s brave stand. Fox News sensationalized it. Breitbart went off on it–though, at least Breitbart didn’t say a single word about the Anti-Mormon bigotry, you gotta give them credit for that! TBMs were whining about it on Facebook. Blah blah blah.

Another thing I like about David Crotch is his style. A long messy beard, hipster glasses, blank expression, and his glossy bald head. Everything a feminist like me dreams about. It all just screams “ally in the fight against patriarchy.” Now, here is a guy who will never, ever be intimidating in any way. If I saw him walking down the street, I would toss a quarter in his cup and be on my way. This is exactly the aesthetic that I wish every male would have.

The fact that David Cross is at the top of comedy in America just shows the peaks to which the entertainment industry have risen. Always pushing new ground. Fighting for tolerance and love. Intelligent and brave. Feminists like me rightfully idolize the billionaire owners of big corporations like HBO and 20th Century Fox, because they make the world a better place and they know what is best for me. It’s time that Mormons (oops, I did it again!) realize this as well. If for some weird reason you don’t get the atheist jokes (probably because you aren’t smart enough), just pretend it’s funny while batting your eyes and twirling your hair in your fingers like the rest of us feminists do.

Continue reading “Admit It, David Crotch’s Joke About Mormons Was Hilarious!”

Feminists Fight Mormon Taboo About Farting At Church

Mormon feminists are launching a campaign urging LDS leaders to vocally support mothers and women who fart at church. This media-firestorm-of-the-week started when a mother of three children was attacked by a bishop for farting. Salt Lake Feminists have taken a break from their other Marxist causes (such as Love-Loud) to focus on this corner of women’s rights.

“It is 2018, and there are still these barriers thrown on women and their families, and we have to start taking the health and free choice of women in the church seriously,” Betsy Friemar said in a Salt Lake women’s conference. “LDS leaders must provide vocal support or women will continue to be excluded, bullied, and attacked for behavior that is natural and also quite positive, not only for her own health but for the health of her family, even if her parenting choices don’t align with local priesthood authority inclinations.”

Farting is actually a natural and beautiful part of a woman’s digestive process, Ms. Friemar pointed out. It has been scientifically proven to be a vital step in receiving vitamins and it helps boost our ability to fight disease. So, when local male priesthood forces women to “hold it in”, they are literally weakening women’s health and destroying their immune system. Additionally, Friemar found in her research that women improve the health of her children by farting. It literally strengthens the cells of those who smell the farts.

The mother of three children told of her harrowing experience when she met with her bishop to get him to sign her temple recommend–a process similar to applying for a Costco membership card. The meeting went completely off the rails when the Bishop started interrogating her about loudly farting during Sacrament meeting. Then, when her husband backed her up he started getting interrogated as well.

The bishop quoted from the Mormon “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet about clean and intelligent behavior towards those around us. He acted like she as a woman was responsible for the thoughts and reactions of men around her. She had to leave the room several times to calm down, and when she was gone the bishop even told her husband he should not accept this kind of behavior from his wife.

Farting is not mentioned in the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet, and the Church of Jesus Christ has no official policy regarding farting in Sacrament meeting. There are just controlling male leaders who don’t like it. Male church spokesman Eric Harrins declined to comment on the thousands of women asking for their rights to be recognized.

Female leadership in the church also hasn’t said anything about it.

It is time for women, Mormon and non-Mormon alike, to rise up and demand massive change in the church. What business is it of men what women do with their bodies? There needs to be no restrictions on farting, or at least provide a special room just for women where they can go to privately do whatever they want and still listen to the sermons over a speaker… oh wait the church already has that. But still, when a mother of three can’t even express natural behavior that is positive for her health and the health of her children, it says far more about the male leadership of that church than it does about her.

So, fart loud! Fart proud! Celebrate who you are!

Will the LDS Church Finally Remove Toxic Patriarchy From Our Hymns? #HymnbookEdits

Every week I sit silently as the hymns are played, gazing around at other women who like me roll their eyes and yawn. This is because Mormon women are subjected every week to no less than three harmful songs, not including the patriarchal indoctrination songs we have to listen to during the other two hours of church (which shouldn’t even exist, by the way). Well, those hundreds of songs by old white men filled with outdated messages may get replaced very soon, as the Mormon church is reportedly making significant changes to the hymnbook.

Hymns are a tool of the patriarchy, and this is why I never sing. Sometimes when I can’t stand it anymore, I take out my earphones and blast modern pop music (I do this a lot actually). Feminists have noted that the hymnbook needs to reflect the global nature of the church, and I couldn’t agree more. No more “My Country Tis Of Thee.” We need to bring in minority voices, and set a quota of class groups for authors and LGTBQIAA+-friendly themes. We also must make sure the majority of songs have female authors (like we already have for the primary songbook), preferably women with hyphenated last names. Did you know most hymns currently speak of God as a male, only a few as a neutral gender, and zero speak of God as female? This must change now.

We need these alterations to current hymns and Primary song titles:

  • Press Forward Saints To Equality
  • Praise to the Women
  • Onward Christian Social Justice Warriors
  • Count Your Many Pronouns
  • A Poor Wayfaring Woman Disenfranchised
  • I Am A Child of Karl Marx
  • Did You Think To Check Your Privilege?
  • Do As I’m Saying Not As I’m Doing
  • I Hope They Call Me By My Preferred Pronoun
  • and of course… As Feminists In Zion

Additionally, we need to add the following to make hymnbook and primary song book inclusive:

  • A Cup of Coffee – by Katy Perry
  • Imagine – by John Lennon
  • This Land Is My Land – Woody Guthrie
  • Believe – Imagine Dragons
  • One Love – Bob Marley
  • All You Need Is Love – The Beatles
  • Respect – Aretha Franklin
  • Born This Way – Lady Gaga
  • She’s So High Above Me – Tal Bachman

What is your suggestion for a hymn alteration? What can the church do to make it so our young women aren’t indoctrinated to think they are second-class members and inferior human beings? How can we drag these ornery men in the church into the 21st century as equality-minded progressives?

Post your ideas under #HymnbookEdits! Make a statement they can’t ignore!