As everyone knows, coffee and caffeinated soda is going to be legalized in the LDS church’s upcoming 2019 General Conference. How marvelous it will be! This is something progressive-minded members around the world have been aggressively advocating for, as coffee’s health benefits have been proven time and time again by science.
Let’s unpack what this means. Consider the surprising results of my Progress Mormons Survey:
- Ten out of ten Millennial temple recommend holders already drink at least 7 beers per day, as well as regular consumption of nutritional marijuana–as well as frequent purchases of hemp products, such as twine, purses, and moisturizing cream.
- GenX Latter-day Saints were only slightly less progressive as far as Word of Wisdom restrictions are concerned. 93% of respondents agreed with my Twitter post that coffee is a divinely created substance central to the plan for the eternal destiny of us all. Four out seven Twitter replies were supportive.
- Fewer than a third of Millenials or GenXers said they cared, and 26% agreed that I was making a scene and that I needed to leave. They agreed I should come up with a cause that actually matters, like solving world hunger. They were promptly blocked from my Twitter.
The full results of my soundly scientific Progress Mormons Survey can also be found in my recently published book, which is being heavily promoted by Progmo feminists everywhere. The survey proves that coffee deserves to be legalized by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and by Idaho.
Until now, the old white men haven’t allowed coffee because the older generation is out of touch, and the people have not exerted enough internal pressure to bring about meaningful change. Change only happens if we march in protests to Church Headquarters and insult church leaders in New York Times articles. Likewise, external groups have not pushed the church to progress in this area, which is a big let-down for oppressed women like me. It is just so cringe when the old white men preach against coffee from the podium. Like, who do they think they are?
The truth is, before the old white men banned coffee in 1921, everyone in the Church enjoyed coffee on a daily basis, and it was considered essential morning health. Every pioneer who crossed the plains drank coffee enthusiastically. They recognized its miracle health benefits for curing lung disease and increasing life expectancy. But the patriarchy, as they always do, sought to suppress these amazing health benefits and subjugate high school teenagers who literally need coffee to get up in the morning.
Well, the good news is this era of victimization is over. I predict, that not only will coffee flow liberally in those moments after the glorious declaration of the church’s new policy, but coffee will become a staple for Sunday church services. Coffee will be served in every women’s lounge (they will change the name from “mother’s lounge” to be more inclusive). Coffee will be served on fast Sundays to allay the hunger and thirst with which women are disproportionately inflicted. Coffee will finally take its rightful place.
Of course, as soon as this happens, instead of expressing gratitude, I plan on ridiculing the church for changing policies. The best thing would be if women just led everything and the patriarchy of white men went away. Then we could talk about open marriage, church-supported free Xanax, and compulsory free welfare services on a class basis. But I am very optimistic due to positive change that has happened so far, and am literally 100% certain that this is what’s going to happen.
Most importantly, I won’t feel judged for waiting 3 hours every morning in line at Peet’s.
Until next time, I’m Ann Eliza. Read my new book about hip young Mormons like me who are finally instituting meaningful Socialism!