We Need Sunday School Lessons About Captain Marvel

Move over Moroni, there’s a new Captain in town!

Yesterday, I celebrated Woman’s Day and Woman’s Month together with my yappy friends by scrolling through popular white male celebrities I hate on Twitter and saying horrible things about them. But we made sure to also watch what is literally the best movie ever made. It’s Captain Marvel, and it’s a story about a gorgeous woman who magically gains strength and saves the world, because everyone else is too weak and pitiful to save themselves. I find this message incredibly liberating, because for too long we women have accepted the myth that strength is something that is achieved through merit. It is time for all children to understand that strength and popularity is something that just magically happens to a person, like how Harry Potter was chosen by no merit of his own and used a magical wand to overcome his obstacles. Except Harry Potter was a boy, and he therefore perpetuates the stereotype that men are deserving of strength and popularity.

It’s time for a woman.

This is why Captain Marvel is so important. There has literally never been a movie or book that has had a strong female character. Every story has portrayed women as damsels in distress, needing a man to be her husband. It’s 2019, and it’s time for movies to break new ground, and portray women who effortlessly achieve greatness because they are inherently better than everyone else. This is a realistic and empowering story.

This is why we need brave Sunday School teachers to foist Captain Marvel as the subject of their Sunday School lessons at church. Because if they don’t hear it at church, where will they? Back when Elsa broke new ground as a strong female character in the excellent Disney movie Frozen, the oppressive patriarchy did everything they could to suppress it. Droves of old white men were spreading false rumors in classroom and church buildings that it had a homosexual agenda. Well, I guess it kinda did, but that is a positive thing, something that we should celebrate. But even Frozen didn’t take the agenda far enough, because Elsa had weaknesses and was still cowering under patriarchal fear.

Captain Marvel is a perfect Sunday School subject, because she teaches us that we should find a leader to take care of us and benevolently dominate us. We should give all of our glory to this strong figure and relinquish all agency of our own, because we will never be as strong as her, because we are not magical like her. Well, at least men aren’t.

This is a message that men desperately need to learn, the supremacy of women. Men need to fall down before the star emblazoned on Captain Marvel’s chest. And fortunately, it is a message that they are receiving. On the IMDB.com website that tracks movies, I noticed that many more men than woman are rating Captain Marvel. There were 25,646 votes from men versus 3,590 votes from women. Does this men are overwhelmingly the ones filling movie theaters? We can only hope. What’s even better, the vast majority of men voting were in the 18-44 age range, which means it is full grown men watching these comic book movies, not children. Pathetic but hopeful.

So how can brave Sunday School teachers incorporate Captain Marvel into their messages? Well, if you have some patriarchal Sunday School president breathing over your neck, do it stealthily. But otherwise be open about it. Wheel in the TV and just start playing the movie. Afterward, hold a discussion about what doctrinal changes the church should make to fall in line with this brave theology. Ask each girl in the classroom to stand up, tell them to repeat after you, “I am magically powerful, I am beautiful, and I am better because I am a woman.” And then have each male in the classroom turn to the girls and say the same thing about them. And then move on to LGTIBIAA+ issues and issues that involve other minorities. If you can, be sure to teach them about cis white males and their responsibility for climate change as well. This will make the children believe in equality, and after all isn’t that the goal? Everyone needs to be the same as everyone else.

This will really help boost the self-esteem of the girls, who are all constantly being harassed and bullied by the boys, and prepare them for life. We need to all give our money to the Disney Corporation and thank them for making the best movie ever made.

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