Dearest readers, in the spirit of our sporadic habit to report to you those of the various events, dramas, debates, debacles, and debaucheries of the wider inter net that particularly concern our shadowy council, we are pleased to report the greatest victory Ol’ Scratch over our lions and lambs yet, which is the return of the Danites, you heard me, Danites, those scoundrels, scallywags and murderers that once terrorized the trails but were thought to now be used only by saintly women to scare and scold their spawn on stormy nights.
They are Deseret Nationalists, bandits and desperadoes who seek to tear the friendly claws of the federal eagle off the willing beehive of the Saints. Their aim is theocracy and their means are violence, if their enemies are to be believed, and if you can’t believe a hooker, a queer, and a clown, not to mention swarms of concerned citizens who voice their reasoned opinions on the subject daily, you’re too cynical to be taken seriously. 1For the sake of journalistic fairness they do represent themselves merely as faithful members mumble mumble
They are fanatics who all believe the same things, and the things they believe are every discarded doctrine and every conspiracy theory. Adam-God? They believe it. Flat earth? They believe that too! Every single one of them is opposed to vaccinations, and in the same way.
They are judgmental! They viciously declare people who like to brag about sin in public as sinners. In public. Their contemplations on whether people who are just trying to live their lives and make the Church declare feelgood secular platitudes doctrine lead many to wonder if they shouldn’t just leave the good folk in peace.
They are fascists. Their alignment and communication with European absolutists of the early 20th century is well-known. If you doubt this you are probably also a fascist. You might be a witch too.
They are all white males, with no particularly odd proclivities in their private lives. This proves their message ludicrous because…
Well, I suppose if they’re actively pushing people that aren’t like them, it would make their claims less… Wait, we’re getting news that there are in fact women and people who don’t lose their tans affiliating with that group, but we’re not supposed to acknowledge that, because they’re such a small minority. Why would… The English-speaking Church is mostly…
Actually, what are these horrible things the dezz nats do? Have they done anything, in the world of dust and ashes rather than the false dream of the magnet and tube? Aside from the grave, grave sins of harsh tone and heckling sarcasm, what has called this torrent of hatred from the depths of the earth to these dozen-and-a-half troublemakers?
Could it be they’re right?