Women have made amazing gender gains in the workplace. We celebrate this progress as literally the best thing to ever happen to women. Participation in the labor force ensures all women have the right to spend all day staring blankly at computer screens, surrounded by acoustic cubicle dividers, sipping coffee to keep ourselves awake. It also gives us more money to consume cheap disposable items from Amazon and trying to relax on the weekends at day spas. At last, women have lifted ourselves from the dark days when the only way we were allowed to spend our time was smiling with our cute baby children, planting flower gardens, and selecting furniture for our three-bedroom homes. Now, we women are experiencing fulfilling lives like we were mean to, as menial labor machines for big corporate bosses.
Recently, as I trudged through the door of my apartment at the end of the day, I glanced over to a dusty corner and thought, “Wait, this is where I live?” I didn’t even recognize the place. The only time I really spend at home is to feed my cats and microwave my Velvetta cheese meal. I spend vastly more time in the restroom of my work building than in my bathroom at home. This is s a marker of progress. It is progressive that I have a vassal lord to provide all my needs, instead of selfishly arranging a living space that only I get to use. This is progress for the greater good.
When decorating the cubical box where you spend 14 hours per day, it is important to keep in mind this spirit of social progress and equality.
1. Check Your Privilege
A couple months ago, I complained to Human Resources about a male co-worker who had a university resume hanging on his wall. The resume is a symbol of the oppressive racial majorities which keep minorities from enjoying college education and other opportunities. Males need to keep this in mind when they feel the desire to hang certificates of achievement, photos of family, or artwork by children. It is literally harassment. But we women are not immune from the poison of meritocracy either! We need to remember to be sensitive to the LGTBQIAA+ community and others who may be offended by any decorations that are unique and independent.
2. Avoid Gendered Stereotypes
Despite heavy social conditioning from cradle to grave, some people still manage to perpetuate old-fashioned stereotypes. Any space that indicates differences between males and females is totally intolerable. This is why it is important to make your decorations as blandly non-specific to gender as possible. Instead of pink or blue, how about a nice dark gray? Instead of pretty flowers for girls or a poster of racing cars for boys, how about the same meaningless company slogan posted on the walls of every cubicle in the building? Make sure to report everything that could possibly be interpreted as a gender stereotype to Human Resources.
3. Proclaim Socialism With Religious Zeal
Today, it would be unthinkable to place a symbol of religion in the workplace. Like, who does that? A cross on the wall or a painting of Jesus would immediately result in a trip to the Human Resources office, we all know that. Even the most religiously backwards kook is careful to avoid publically admitting that he has faith. This is wonderful progress. It is everyone’s duty to report a religious person. But it is not enough to ban religious icons. We also need to replace them with symbols of atheism and Marxist philosophies. This is why I at all times have a giant poster of Che Guevara hanging next to my computer. It is a great reminder to me of the progress we are making as a society, but more importantly it is propaganda to remind everyone else that they must accept Marxism.
4. Signal Your Moral Virtue
Make sure to include at least seven items that indicate your status as an LGTBQIA+ ally. The more pieces of moral virtue, the better. You should wear rainbow pins on your vest, stickers on your purse, posters on your cubicle walls, inspirational covers for your phone, etc. How many pieces of moral “flair” are enough? As many as you feel comfortable with. But at least seven. And if your neighbor across the acoustic wall has more pieces of moral virtue than you, log on to your favorite Marxist Etsy shop and order ten more. Luckily, there are hundreds of oppressed classes that you can virtue signal for, plus the hundreds of thousands of intersectional combinations.
5. Display Proof Of Organizations You Financially Support
This is by far the most important virtue signal, and it is shockingly one that most people neglect. Progressives were out in force for the 2018 elections, reminding people to vote. Without this reminder, disenfranchized people literally are unable to vote, so it’s important. I went around the office and reminded every person of color, LGTBQIAA+ member, and woman to vote–I reminded each person at least ten times, per day. But this isn’t enough. We also need to provide a monthly financial donation (tax deductible of course) to progressive organizations, and print out the receipts and pin them on our walls. Not only does this reinforce a cultural expectation to pay money to pro-equality groups, it weeds out those who only pretend to be progressive and don’t put their money where their mouth is. Don’t want to fund progress? Don’t expect to work here for long!
These steps are important for building a safe, equal, and corporatly-benefical workplace.