‘As Feminists In Zion…’

As anyone who has attended a public school in America ought to know, women are horribly oppressed by the patriarchy.  We are always pushed down. Always sent to the back of the line.

What is the patriarchy? It is important to know “patriarchy” doesn’t just refer to men. There are plenty of men, even in Utah, who are weak simps, who coddle women and follow our orders every minute of every waking day. I hate them too, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Patriarchy refers to the bishop who sits in a comfy chair and lounges about sipping lemonade all Sunday while you suffer through three hours of church. It is the male college student who effortlessly surfs through college and is destined to high wages and a happier life while you are forced to pay money for feminine hygiene products. The patriarchy is a terrible force of darkness in each of our lives, and we must transform into Social Justice Warriors if we are going to save the world. So gear up!

I am excited for this opportunity to repeat dry sociology theories and radicalize women in the church, particularly among the youth. Sure, I get paid by a male billionaire oligarch to write this, and this platform only exists because Socialism is good for his financial bottom line, but in the end–I am sure–a woman will be sitting in that chair one day making all the decisions. And then it will all be worth it.

As a feminist, I think different. I swim opposite stream from the rest of the fish–unless you are talking about the 52% of America that agrees with everything I say, of course.  My message is in complete conformity with every school textbook in America , with popular culture, with most college professors, with the Leftist communications instructors at BYU-I, with every newspaper and mainstream news source in the country–and that means I think different. That means I think smartly.

So Sisters, join me! Join me on the path of courage! The path of coolness! You can even bring your male partner and male offspring, as long as they are docile and easily controlled. Assuming you haven’t divorced your husband yet or given your son a sex change. I mean, I hate them and I don’t want them reading anything I have to say, but if it turns them into Socialists, that can’t be bad.

We live in a culture that suppresses this kind of free-thinking discussion and punishes open debate. Like, every time I wear pants to church, I get funny glances from one or two other ward members, and then I am reminded of how intolerant and close-minded they all are. They all literally hate me because I am a woman and think for myself. Even though I didn’t come up with the idea of wearing pants, and it is a meaningless idea that has no relevance to anything, it is important because it is my idea. It is my choice, and my choice is more important than anything else.

So come with me, sisters, and bring your dissenting voices! Have the courage to say “I oppose”! Carry this great new ideology with you to your ward meetings, your Sunday School lessons, your potlucks, your church dances, Seminary, and everywhere you go. This ideology of love.

Just as long as you don’t say a swear word. We have to be nice quiet Mormons after all.

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